Will Rogers , the Okie American humorist and showman, would have a ton of material to work with these days. Record depressed numbers of all sorts everywhere , divergent economic forecasters, rampant gloom and doom - isms , politicians on all sides of the spectrum trying to outlie his "colleagues"...Will would have some inspirational and humorous anecdotes to prop us up. Here's a few of his quips, some of which are still very applicable for our present state.
WILL ROGERS - ISMS
- A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- An economist's guess is liable to be just as good as anybody else's.
- Calvin Coolidge didn't say much , and when he did he didn't say much.
- Comedians haven't improved. Nothing has improved but taxes.
- Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie.." until you can find a rock.
- Diplomats are just as essential to starting a war as soldiers are for finishing it.
- Don't gamble ; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it til it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Everybody is ignorant, only in different subjects.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and that comes from bad judgement.
- I don't care how little your country is, you got a right to run it like you want to. When the big nations quit meddling, the world will have peace.
- If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
- If you get to thinkin you're a person of some influence, try orderin around someone else's dog.
- Income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
- Never miss a good chance to shutup.
- Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
- Outside of traffic, there is nothing that has held this country back as much as committees.
- So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Take diplomacy out of a war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
- The more you read and observe about this politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
- There is nothing so stupid as an educated man, if you get off the thing he was educated in.
- There's two theories to arguin with a woman. Neither one works.
- This country is not where it is today on account of any one man . It is here on account of the real common sense of the Big Normal Majority.
- What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
- Never kick a cowchip on a hot day.
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Mostly Useless (and approximate) Las Vegas Facts
1. Number of Las Vegas citizens 500,000
2. Number of Clark County residents 1,500,000
3. Year first casino licensed 1931
4. Number of slot machines in Vegas 200,000
5. Number of annual Vegas visitors 40,000,000 (and dropping)
6. Number of licensed gambling entities 1700
7. Hours per day average visitor gambles 4
8. Annual state gaming revenue 9 billion (and dropping)
9. Average gambling budget per trip 560 (and dropping)
10. Mean price per acre in valley 161,000.00
11. Price per acre on the Strip 11,000,000.00
12. Number of hotel rooms 137,000 +
13. Number of pillowcases washed at MGM daily 15,000
14. Number of doors at MGM 18,000
15. Annual no. toilet paper rolls used at Bally's 1 million
16. Lucky The Clown marquee sign at Circus Circus has
1232 fluorescent bulbs, 14,498 incandescent bulbs, and
3/4 mile of neon tubing light (no wonder they're replacing
17. In good times, Excalibur goes through over 44,000
Cornish game hens, 15 thousand pounds of hamburger
meat, and 4200 pounds of prime rib monthly
18. Caesar's Palace has used 2 million plus maraschino
cherries, 11 thousand ounces of caviar, 2 million ounces
of tomato juice, and close to 600 thousand ounces of
vodka yearly (bloody mary winner?)
19. Mandalay Bay has 5,300 palm trees and their wave pool
has a capacity of 1,640,270 gallons of water
20. Average nightly room rate 119.00 (and dropping)
21. Average number of Vegas weddings per day 300+
22. Number of golf courses 37
23. Miles of neon tubing on the Strip and Downtown 15,000
24. State's nationwide rank in gold production 1st
25. Cost of Nevada marriage license 35.00
26. Average cost of filing for divorce 450.00
27. Average length of stay for visitors 3.7 days
28. Number of hosted conventions annually 3750
29. The electric bill to operate the Luxor pyramid beam is
approximately 55.00 per hour.
30. Las Vegas has 17 of the world's 20 largest hotels
"WHERE'S MY WALLET , ETHEL!? "
Just a cautionary tip when in Vegas.. there are active
pickpockets all over town. I experienced this first-hand
and came within 10 seconds of losing my cash stash last July
while visiting one of those upper end joints on the strip.
I was gambling significantly at a video poker machine, unabashedly slipping C-notes in them. Somebody had been
observing my wagering behavior. I was happily winning at the time and my cautionary tendencies regarding my bankroll
money went south and out the window.
A lady approached me from behind as I played and was all aglow with my run of good luck. She initiated a conversation about nothing and anything . I was concentrating on proper VP strategy and responding to her comments with a lot of "yeah-yeahs". I was fortunate enough to get ahead on the machine again and I cashed out. I had a satchel (I normally never gamble under those conditions) with me that had assorted trip stuff in it. The satchel presence and the relatively high denomination coin-in amount collectively screamed " please rob me!" I placed my wallet in the satchel along with the machine cash-out tickets and proceeded to reconnect with my family and head to our room.
I had developed a sense of cautionary unease as I mulled over the contact with the effusively talkative woman at the VP machine. My senses told me that something about that encounter was skewed, although at the time I didn't know what it was and I wasn't bleeding profusely..yet. My group then proceeded to meander through a very crowded slot machine aisle and some other 6th, 7th, or 8th sense that vaguely detected an impersonal yet succinct encroachment into my personal space kicked in. Instinctively, I immediately dug into the satchel to locate my wallet and it was gone. I then immediately turned around and backtracked about ten feet (a matter of maybe 3 seconds, tops) as my endogenous adrenaline kicked in. I'm not sure that my hair wasn't on fire briefly.
I then spotted my wallet (and life) in a woman's hand who was playing a slot machine. I walked straight at her and demanded it post-haste in a tone that screamed seriousness. I immediately grabbed the wallet and called for security. The woman claimed she picked it up off the floor and so did the man (her accomplice) behind her, both vowing that they were planning to remit it to the security desk. My svelte ass they were.
This team of thieves including the woman who was all goony-googoo at the VP machine were pros. I have to claim part of the blame for the openly careless manner I had displayed with my money. They were held by security and the eye-in-the-sky tapes were to be reviewed.
The good thing is I didn't lose a cent because my peripheral senses kicked in immediately and they didn't have time to bury the evidence ( perhaps they weren't the best of pros?). Take heed folks..these people are everywhere in Vegas. Know where your cash is at all times; take precautions to protect it, don't flaunt it around carelessly as I did, and if you sense something is awry while gambling trust your instincts.
Distractions from one member of a team of thieves is a common MO. Store your gambling session monies in a front pants pocket or in one of those god-awful front-loaded fanny packs (pride be damned). The lesson I learned here after several years of Vegas gambling experiences turned out to be one of the most valuable for me personally.
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